I haven’t really thought about you in a sexual way in over 5 years. One of the reasons for this simply is that I haven’t seen you much. The last time I saw you was out in Napean, you know that wild suburb in Ottawa. It was a wild place, although you probably don’t think so. I got there one time, off the bus, probably from Toronto, and I didn’t once see the Tim Horton’s right beside the gas station and I’d been to this very spot over a dozen times. And then one day as I was taking a walk with Neal, after midnight, drunk, high and in amazement of the stars, I noticed it. What does this have to do with you? Nothing. But it was wacky, and that last time that I saw you, when you asked me to wait for the bus with you and I didn’t, I really wanted to, but I don’t know, I had a bug. There was something going a little wacky inside my head around that time in my life. It was nice to know that I still had a friend, despite not thinking of it that way on that particular evening.
So, now I have your phone number and your e-mail address, and I can facebook you to my heart’s content. But I think the only reason I would call you now is to find out if the number is legit, which I’m assuming it is.
I guess I’m writing you now, and I guess you are still amazingly beautiful but I’m just not that interested. For one thing, I’m really into older women these days, I should probably tell you that my interest in Charlotte Leonard is still festering. You know her, but you don’t. Its a long story, don’t ask. But I think I’d be more happy with a woman of 35-40 who knows where she is in life, and probably is really experienced, and is outrageously attractive too, as they tend to hit a level of beauty previously unattainable.
I guess I haven’t told you about my book either… or my band, and you probably would like to know more about me and what’s going on in my life, than some rather non-sensical rant about why 25 year old girls don’t cut it any more on My scale of beauty…. “Scale of beauty”… I just said “Scale of Beauty”. What the hell is that.
I’m really proud of my book now, its been editted really well so far, and I really should take the copies off this blog. Reason being that it has been editted well beyond its original description. It actually takes the reader somewhere, and one day, when we’re all big and famous (I will most likely be a gem on the jazz music scene) I’ll put my book out, and you can pick it up at Chapters/Indigo.
I find it quite strange that I’ve met someone with the same birthday as me. We’re both musicians, and we were both born the day Glenn Gould died. I don’t know how I came across that tidbit of information, but as I was growing up I thought that Patrick Roy (of Montreal Canadiens fame) was my soul mate because he was my favourite athlete and because he was born a day after me. Technically he was born several years before I was, however his birthday falls a day later than mine. I digress however, I’m just trying to illustrate how fickle I can be when assuming that someone is my soul mate.
On one hand, in all the time I’ve had lust and desire for you, I’ve never once thought you were my soulmate. But on the other hand, I do think of you as being the woman I marry and have children with. I don’t know if that is the actual feelings that a soulmate should have of you, and if so, what do these coincidences mean, that I share with these other people?
I think on one hand, if you are waiting for a love-life to blossom, having lust and desire and imagination of someone who is tangible and/or ideal is the best way to wait. And on the other hand, having that tangible, yet unattainable desire and lust is for the most part… useless. I mean, if love isn’t reciprocated by someone else, there really is no love to be found.
At least I can prove that on these few coincidental dates are existant and that I share them with these other three people. Maybe on a grander scale it means more than a fantasy.
I’m not in love with you, I’m not in love with you, I’m not in love with you.
I have posted another chapter of my novel Two Views of a Secret on the page that can be found on the right-hand side of this page.
Go to the right hand column and find the heading Pages and find the 2nd chapter of my novel. Chapter 1 is posted there as well. The first chapter is entitled The Normalcy of the fall. And the second chapter is entitled Straight to sleep.
I wanna get to you. Not in like a crazy “I’m going to be cryptic and non-sensical” type of way, but rather a way that we can agree on some of the truths that I deal with. I don’t think its good for you to ignore me when I try and be truthfull to you. I don’t think that’s a threat because I’m never really going to up the anti to something far worse than can be said of “us” now. I think the “us” deserves Quotation marks because we are unsure whether there is an “us”. In recognizing that truth, anyone can see that we share a commonality. But I’ll use ”us” as a way of reference. But I think about you… I think about you in many ways. I think about memories, good and bad, really there are no bad memories between friends, unless you assault someone. And even boys who assault people, they can get along afterwards. I think about you in detail. Things that I wish I remember that you said, or things I said to you, in hundreds of e-mails, or on the phone, hours of phonecalls, that type of thing. I think about lots of specific things. But I don’t think it will help anything to tell you any of that without being honest with you first, about what I really think of you. And maybe you can be truthful to me in return.
I guess my first thought when I understood what I had done, was that now I trust you. Where, maybe on some level you trusted me, and why shouldn’t you trust me, until you find reason not to. But I trust you with my life, I trust you in a way that you probably will never understand… and I don’t think its very important that you understand. Where before I sexually assaulted you, I really didn’t care that much about trust… and I think you mentioned it a few times. There really has only been one person in my life that I have ever trusted. Now there is two… although, you are a little different. I hope you understand that you are part of the picture for the time being. Its hard for me to say sexual assault and not care what you are going to think when you read it.
And my next feeling about ”us”, as I listen to Feist coming through the earphones at 6:52AM on a Wednesday morning in December, is that I should explain the type of person that I am. I think there’s about 10% of me that wants to go out and rape women. I don’t think its that bad. I don’t really mean that in like a “male power” type of way… Its more of a ignorance type of thing. Even the little amount of sexuality that I got from you as you felt powerless against my assault, I was able to take it home with me to fantasize. I hope that isn’t the most disgusting thing you’ve ever heard. But I think that has a good quality to it. I think its helped me think of what I appreciate more about women, and what I appreciate most about sexuality. But I think its not the most pleasing thing, when you are the one who is powerless. Its envigorating when you know everything works out fine. And when I heard those words from someone I trusted I knew it would work out.
I think that’s enough for today. I don’t want to go to sleep yet… I’m going to wait till I can eat and then I’m going to play guitar for the first time in a few months.
But I’m a stand-up chap with a few normal sexual abnormalities. But I think it’ll go away through years of chipping away at ignorance.
Since I wasn’t able to put up songs on my blog, I decided to put one of my songs to video. Now its on My blog. Give’er a listen, and tell me what you think…. I know its scratchy, but its the best I could do with 10MB.
Holy Cow. Its been about three weeks since I’ve written you. I guess because I became in depth about my feelings on some of the things we talked about. well, mostly things that came about when you were forced to write to me. Its probably best that you don’t write to me, and the same goes for me. But I’m writing to you now, and due to arrangements with wordpress.com, its being displayed on the internet. How’s that?
I guess I should tell you that I wrote a song. I think someone finally understands me. Two people have actually formed opinions that I’m of sound mind again. I think it comes at the right time in my life as I am going back to work soon. I don’t want to be one of those people who goes from one job to another with three days apart. I think that’s how I’ll explain my absence on the work scene. God I hope I don’t make a scene. I won’t tell you where I’m applying though, because I’m embarrassed (I’m not going to be a stripper…. I don’t have nearly a big enough thingy, and I can’t dance, among other things) but the last time I went for an interview at this place, I cried. I obviously wasn’t ready. that was before the turn of the century. I hope this all makes sense… because its all going down the drain tres rapide.
Is that be enough text for this letter? I know what I just said is grammatically uncorrect, but yell your corrections at me as loud as you can, I’ll never hear it. Although I must admit, I would love to hear it.
I’m kind of curious as to whether you’ve ever been treated like a piece-of-ass.
So I’m gonna write this, and when I’m done I’m going to have a smoke, and maybe have a heineken and watch the leafs lose again to the Sens. But I guess to follow-up the last post, I should talk about some of the interesting dichotomies, rather than just mention that I understand what that means.
So, I figure now that talking to you is probably not the best thing for me to do. You probably weren’t really hurt in any way. I really only meant it in a physical sense, like, I hope you don’t hurt from that knife that I stabbed in your hand. Not that I stabbed you in a physical sense of metaphorical but I was heavy and am even more heavy now. I digress. But I think I may have hurt some other people in our situation, and I hope you know who I mean. I guess because no matter how much I like to think that we were a couple we really weren’t. As much as I listen to bad pop music by attractive male singers that you like, who sing with bad vibrato’s and write lyrics about guns, war, and getting laid in lawn chairs… or on golf courses, I know for sure that listening to him doesn’t make me your boyfriend. But I was going steady with a girl. Every time we had nothing to do, we would spend that time together. I really cared for her, and would have cared for her for a long time, but I tried my best to be yours. And There is probably the first dichotomy. The girl I have and the girl I don’t.
I’m sure I hurt her. I would call her and make like you had some serious problem but really I think you were worried about me and she didn’t want to keep up with me much then… we were through. I can’t honestly say that I was worried that you had problems. I knew I had mine, and I shared them with you. You aren’t the first person, on two-handfulls of friends, that I showed my problems to. The person to whom I demonstated them. And that sets up the second dichotomy, my two handfulls of friends. The ones on one had that still like me, and want me to be happy/creative/friendly/successful/better and those on the other hand who basically gave up, and don’t care to explain it to me anymore. There aren’t specific dates anymore, and I basically lost track of what the date is besides looking at my watch which is consistently correct for keeping dates and times.
And the other dichotomy, which is the one that I thought you probably meant, is that, in demonstrating my state of mind (although I would call it something else), I inherited the greatest acheivement of my life along with the least greatest at exactly the same point in time.
I hope you read this, because its the only place you’re going to hear me say that.
Remember when I told you I wanted to move out to the east coast and you move out the the west coast so I could talk to you late at night? I always hate those “remember when” lines… But Its kind of cool now that Neal’s out there, and soon enough he’ll be out in Japan, so, I’ll have to adjust my schedule once again to call him. I don’t know what the scoop is on the time zone over there yet, but I’m sure I’ll find out.
but ya, I call Neal like maybe twice a month up to as frequently as twice a week. I also still am in contact with Adam in Sudbury. He says he’s going to visit… which will be nice, we’ll be able to jam, and record some new tunes.
I’ve gotta start reading again soon. I spent 12 hours producing a recording of my own the other day, and was out of comission for that time, in terms of reading. So, you could say I’ve been procrastinating (if creating art-works is procrastination). Generally what I’m reading (or studying) isn’t about music in any way, and its very long winded, so I have to make use of my time efficiently. By that I mean, if I don’t finish reading what I started I don’t get to move on to a new book and I have to go back to the library at the end of three weeks and renew the book.
Other than that, I’m working on my story, filling out the gaps. The first three chapters are pretty solid now. And I remember sending you one or two of the documents. You totally bashed me on it, I asked you if you would read on and you said probably not. which I guess is okay, because there might have been some miscommunication over our chat session. But I don’t know what I’m going to do with it. I’m going to put it up on the internet a little by little. The whole thing isn’t finished yet, but by the time ten people read it, it might be. I think ten people is pushing it though, because out of all the sites you could visit on the net why visit mine? I’m so philosophically egotistical aren’t I?
Anyhoo… I want to talk to you about dichotomies, you brought it up. The one that involves the crux of our relationship (at this point in time) is probably going to be the first one I want to share with you. But like I said several times, I want you to be happy… we’ll see how I feel about what I write and then I may or may not send it to you. discretion. yes, discretion… a word I could have heard before my odd choices of lifestyle.
anyways, I think that’s it for me tonight, but I think ultimately we have to start up again, and a little more frequently than once every 6 months or so. I hope you read this. yep.
Some of the Blogs are chapters from my novel (the novel is entitled Two Views of a Secret, and some bogs are letters to vixens, and some are just miscellaneous blogs. Choose the one you wish to view on the column on the right under “Pages”.
